Burnout

This summer, it seems I've had a cataclysmic weekend at every turn. I'll face a few days of relative calm, and then BAM disaster. Usually, it has to do with the clinic.

Here's something to think about: this past Friday + weekend, I have spent 18 hours at the clinic. No rounding up: 18 hours over three days. I went to two parties over those three days, which were seriously fun, but 18 hours is ridiculous. As a note, though I am a coordinator (read: an administrator on good days, an autocrat on bad days), I am still a volunteer. If I'd been paid at my high school part-time wage, I'd be pushing $200, which is about two secondary applications for medical schools.

All that was furthered by personnel issues and the fact that I have taken on a behemoth project to implement (read: force) my section to use our electronic medical records system correctly. I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but sometime in the winter, our section (either I decreed it or somebody pushed it onto us) became the one to pioneer EMR. Of course, all this is good fodder secondaries because it shows leadership and struggle and this and that, but good God is it a headache.

I am told that this is usually the responsibility of an IT team. Though I am sure their timeline is much shorter, I carry the burden for an agonizing amount of time. But what about delegation? Don't make me laugh. Delegating in a volunteer organization with a collective structure is tough shit. People are lazier here. People don't need to care because they don't have accountability. Furthermore, the oversight and accountability administrator is me. More responsibilities, more headaches.

Why the hell do I do this to myself? God complex? Masochism? Not sure.

As this lovely picture shows, this weekend was a mess of clinic obligations, personal deadlines for secondaries, and social engagements. I didn't really sleep much, and towards the end of Saturday, it was already pretty clear that I was in foul weather again.

The Han Solo to my Luke Skywalker when I was a wee trainee (and he was a coordinator) always warned me about burnout. My parents and boyfriend do it all the time, but when it comes from my peers at the clinic who were in my same training cohort and have watched me grow into this responsibility say so, I feel it. All weekend, I was griping about not being able to finish my Duke secondary on time, not being happy with anything I wrote; I was really complaining about being overextended.

I think I burn out quite often, and just after I submitted my Duke app today (!!!), I felt rejuvenated. Fair enough, but I still have a marathon ahead. I want to really change the clinic, and what sort of change is truly good enough if someone didn't have to get tired over it?

Summer refresher

I'm just beginning properly writing my secondaries for MD applications now, and nervously awaiting the downpour of emails that will surely (hopefully) come after the holiday weekend. However, I won't be writing about that here.

In the past few weeks, I've begun noticing some less-desirable attributes about myself and my surroundings. Particularly, I am annoyed/disgusted by the state of my apartment, and how generally, I tend to clutter up my work and living areas. Not to say I'm a hoarder, but I surely don't need to hold onto all my past midterms. Same thing goes for the various small things hanging around my desk. I'm at home right now, but when I return to my apartment tomorrow, I'll have to do a very thorough cleaning.

More seriously, I am inattentive to the cleanliness of our apartment. One roommate is fastidious and tends to keep to her own room, but another roommate and I have neglected to keep up the tidiness of our space. We left the apartment in a pretty bad state when the semester ended, and I still haven't gone through and cleaned out the fridge, which surely has some kinds of rotten vegetables and mold in it. I'm being honest here.

Dirty dishes, dirty floors as well. I try to clean around the apartment more often this summer, since clutter and dirt stress me out, but I need to make it more of a habit. In general, I have a lot of things hanging around the apartment that I should just toss or sell, and once August rolls around, I'll make a serious effort to sell off my old textbooks. Of course, that's not the most egregious contributor to the mess, but that's an actionable goal.

Next, I'm unsatisfied with my diet, exercise habits (or lack thereof), and schedule. Towards the end of the semester, I was less diligent with cooking, and ended up throwing together some meager and unhealthy meals. Lately, my boyfriend and I have been making a greater effort to cook more and actually enjoy food. I may have mentioned this before, but last semester, I both looked forward to and dreaded mealtimes: I would not be hungry, but then again, nothing I made tasted good. He's recently demonstrated his superior cooking skills, so here's hoping I learn something from him.

In the same vein, I want to start going to the gym. Last semester, I was flattened by boxing tryouts, and swore that I would work out to get in better shape. I was hoping to be actually put into an intercollegiate fight this year, but in general, I should increase my level of fitness. My goal is to run < 7:30 mile, increase my flexibility, and try lifting. More broadly, I'd like to get in the habit of exercising regularly. I do have a phobia of looking stupid in front of people at the gym, but if it's my boyfriend telling me I'm doing something wrong/have bad form/some other gym critique, I'll be more confident trying.

And finally, I need to go all-in for secondaries. I want to allocate more of my free time to fiction writing and seriously cut down on dead internet time. Wake up earlier, exercise regularly, eat healthier, drink more water, go on more hikes, write more articulate and intelligent secondaries, hang out more with old friends, etc, etc.

That's all for now.

*** Not really. I changed a tag from MD cycle 2015 to MD cycle 2016. This is because I plan on matriculating in 2016.

Some more frivolous thoughts

You may notice that I still consider all fashion/beauty/aesthetic-related thoughts to be frivol, but that's just the way things are. If I'm on Reddit, it's usually subreddits related to this frivol, and there was a thread on r/femalefashionadvice recently about this very idea. Anyways, here's another post about fashion.

Since my last fashion post, I have purchased 2/3 of the items I planned for, and one other shirt. I bought two knit crop tops from Forever 21, a navy-cream striped one and a rusty henley that would better suit my roommate, and the stone-wash denim shorts from American Apparel, for 20% off. I did it to congratulate myself for getting good grades this past semester. I tell myself these things.

Sometime last year, after getting really into lurking the whole minimalism/French wardrobe/capsule wardrobe/pseudo-Scandi/pseudo-gamine giga-trend (and it is a trend, for fuck's sake), I decided that I'd forever swear off fast fashion like Forever 21, H&M, and...actually, that's where 90% of my wardrobe is from. Oft repeated are the claims that the quality is shitty, sweatshop conditions, overly trendy, etc. Others put this more eloquently than I can.

Earlier this summer, my roommate and I were cleaning out our room. Mostly, this was her digging through the literal piles of clothes that she has and figuring out which things to keep and which things to donate. In this process, we found two of my grey shirts and three of my boyfriend's and multitudes of my black ankle socks. We heaped a ton of things into our donate pile and called it a day. When she left for her summer vacation, I tried to do the same to my clothes and realized that even the clothes I didn't want to keep weren't in condition fit to be donated.

This comes back to Forever 21. About 75% of my wardrobe comes from before college. I have very few items from middle school, but enough where I really do have to broaden that category. I have a difficult time letting go of clothes. This is a relic of the fact that I've been about the same height and weight since I was 14, and that even then, I recognized that I would be doomed to jeans and t-shirts and skater dresses (even before they were called such) for all eternity.

That is to say, I'm pretty happy with the way I dress, and I actually do like how Forever 21 t-shirts fit on me. The problem is that I use this to justify keeping clothes past their expiration date. My jeans from pre-AP classes are napkin thin. My crimson ribbed (sounds gruesome) polo from seventh grade should have been retired three years ago. All my $3 basics from Forever 21 and H&M inevitably lose their shape after the first year. I know this. I bought two tops from Forever 21 just a few weeks ago. I know better.

I also know better than to buy low-waist shorts or jeans, but thankfully I stopped that nonsense in college. Also, you don't have to wash your jeans after ever wear. Repeating pants gave me way too much anxiety in middle/high school.

Anyways, this post was sort of just about how I have an overblown wardrobe problem that stems not from over-consumption but from keeping clothes that are far too old/were low quality to begin with. Every once in awhile, I realize that I'm 20 fucking years old, applying to med school, and consistently wear clothes that I had back in the fucking day.

As a final note, mend and make do and all that, but probably buy things that can hold up to some wear before they start looking like napkins in the first place.

Ready for review

Post-AMCAS celebratory lunch + recreational reading

Just a smattering of thoughts without a prevailing theme.

I submitted AMCAS yesterday morning with little trouble. My transcripts were received surprisingly quickly, especially since there was a delay with my community college one, and I my application was 'ready for review' when I woke up from my nap. Naptime, of course, is just one of the many leisurely activities I did yesterday. Alarmingly enough, I started and finished a recreational, non-meducational book (The Triple Package, by tiger mom Amy Chua and her husband Jed Rubenfeld) and also spent an absurd time on Reddit. I added one other American history/politics/economics/society book (A Call to Action, by Jimmy Carter, a president I very vaguely know as being the fella whose presidency correlated with the Iran hostage crisis) to my summer reading list. I'm about 80% through The House of God, and surprisingly haven't touched The Once and Future King.

To return to my favorite topic (the MD application cycle, of course), I'm still in the process of finalizing The List, which is not anywhere near finalized. Even so, I'm sort of letting myself kick back and relax this weekend -- and just this weekend -- before I go all in with pre-writing secondaries and burning my eyes out staring at MSAR. Oh, and I have jury duty on Tuesday.

In my leisure, I've been picking back up with my interest in frivolous things like clothes and makeup because I am a vain creature. My latest fixation has been the pursuit of a suit for med school interviews, which I will hopefully get. My suit shopping, however, is hindered by the fact that Reddit has convinced me (r/mfa, those well-dressed bastards) that my suit should be wool, should be lined. Easy enough for MFA! Women's suits, I've learned, are usually synthetic and usually feature flared trousers, which do not look good on me.

In other news, I'm restarting my independent research project. Last summer, I made some good progress on it, but we were hindered by the data collection method. This summer, the machine shop has new toys, and hopefully by the end of summer, I'll be trained to play with them on my own. I'll have to spend some serious time thinking about how to go about with this inquiry, since I don't know how and where this whole thing will be impactful. I need to be more prudent about planning out this project, planning out how much and what kind of code I'll need to write in MATLAB, planning out what models I need to make on SolidWorks, planning out what to do with the vast cloud of data that I get -- quite literally, since it's a point cloud of coordinates. Really, that's the crux of it. At this point, I'm just collecting coordinates without a good plan.

One final thing: I'm getting back into writing, amazingly enough. I'm hoping to regularly post on r/nosleep, and to get a long-term high fantasy project resurrected. This is all, of course, me dreaming about not writing secondaries.

Nothing else to report.

MD application summer begins

I haven't touched this place in quite some time. The title of the post will tell you why.

I'll just jot down a few of my thoughts about the process here. I don't think I can really force this into a real post, so here it all is:

1. Primaries are not as awful as MCAT studying. I have a feeling that secondaries, in terms of clock time and personal effort, will be worse. The June 4 'deadline' I have is very close, but after I really consider what's on my plate, I don't feel rushed for time.
2. The first thing on my plate is the personal statement. Mine isn't there yet. I emerged last weekend from a truly horrible first draft -- fifth draft, but it was my first version of my PS -- and things have been better. Now, my current version seems more like a 'What is medicine?' rather than a 'Why medicine?' composition, so I'll have to work on that.
3. AMCAS is a real chore. Work/Activities section requires the most thought, since it's essentially an expanded CV. Again, not too bad, but I need to portray my experiences strategically.
4. The List. Oh, God, the List. It's in shambles. I cut it from 35 to 25, only to panic and think it's too top heavy. I got rid of some schools I would likely never attend, then added some more. I still need to cut, but my friends -- and I have very accomplished friends -- are encouraging me to keep schools such as HMS, Hopkins, and Penn. Harvard, Johns Hopkins, UPenn -- those are intimidating names.
5. I have a lot of ups and downs. Ups: my GPA increased by 0.06, which I think is quite a bit; my MCAT is still very high. Downs: my writing looks mediocre, my GPA is still low, I don't have that many extracurricular activities, I haven't shadowed enough, etc, etc
6. I've gotten a stronger desire to read and write. I finished The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down shortly after my trip to the library, and I'm about 75% through The House of God, which is making me daydream about going to HMS. Also, The House of God has a particular voice that has begun seeping into my diary entries. FUN FUN FUN. I also noticed that that voice is similar to the one I use when complaining to my sister and boyfriend.

Nothing more to say. I also bought two of the items from my wardrobe planning post a few weeks back. If only it were warm enough outside to bare skin.

Summer reading

My diary and my reading list -- slightly more aesthetically pleasing than just a page ripped out of a steno pad.

I've had the last of my final exams and am one paper away from being free to have my life consumed by medical school apps. This means the beginning of a summer of recreational reading!

Recreational reading is a term that I've come to like a lot. I don't get to do it at all during the academic year, which is unfortunate. And when I do get a chance, it's often during breaks where I reread my favorites and never pick up something new.

This is the MD app summer, so it's only appropriate that I stuff my list with meducational things. Meducational in this context refers to my immersion in the ethical, practice-of-medicine-oriented side of medicine, the life behind the career that I hope to enter. Basically, I want the non-technical side.

Summer Reading 2015

1. The Once and Future King -- T.H. White
2. The House of God -- Samuel Shem
3. The Emperor of all Maladies -- Siddhartha Mukherjee
4. The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down -- Anne Fadiman

Going down the list, then. The Once and Future King is one of my favorite, moral compass-orienting novels that (grandiosely) helped define my personal sense of ethics and the human condition. High-faluting statement aside, I read TOaFK at a vulnerable, malleable time in my life. It was the beginning of the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, my first summer living in my apartment, my first summer at the clinic, my first summer in the lab. I had come out of a semester that academically beat me down and left me questioning who the hell I was and what the hell I wanted to make of my life. The Once and Future King is a whimsical, acutely self-aware novelization of the rise and fall of King Arthur and Camelot. It's difficult to read it as only a swords-and-sorcery fantasy novel alone or a handbook on the human condition, on 'might' and 'right' and the ethical challenge of leadership by fiat and leadership by example, and a whole lot of other things. Regardless of whether it has a place in the Arthurian canon or not (well...) it certainly forms an integral portion of my own ethical canon. I  read it summer 2013, summer 2014, and will do so for as long as I can.

The House of God is the infamous creature that apparently is required reading for all bright young things interested in becoming a physician. I haven't read it yet, but I do like gallows humor and have some measure of interest in the crass and abrasive golden age of medicine. Also, I liked Scrubs.

The Emperor of all Maladies won a Pulitzer prize, and I remember it being all over the public library in my hometown when it came out. Not terribly interested in oncology, but medical anthropology seems to be something I'm getting interested in.

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: a Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures wears many hats. On one hand, it's a biography of the cultural clashes between Hmong immigrants and the relentlessly bureaucratic (but well-intentioned) healthcare system of the US. On the other, it's a handbook on the ethnography, anthropology, and history of the Hmong in southeast Asia and the Hmong in the US. It's a manifesto for cultural competency and humility in the medical systems of this country, and a cry for compassion and empathy and open-mindedness. It's required reading for anthropology students here and there, and the incoming class of the Yale School of Medicine.

I'll add to this list as I finish books. I'm probably going to limit myself on the meducating and gorge myself silly on A Song of Ice and Fire as I've done these past two summers (MCAT summer included).

The List

The List -- last week's version. Ignore the foolish red-pen remarks.

Today is May 4 -- tomorrow is May 5. Trivial statement, but el cinco de mayo happens to be the day when AMCAS 2015 opens. I'm a damn mess.

(AMCAS = American Medical College Application Service)

It's happening, and I'm at once shaking in my boots and ready at the starting block.

I am ready: I've spent the last three years preparing myself for this process, preparing myself for my future as a physician, preparing myself for years and years of humility and hard work. More importantly, I've given myself ample time and opportunities to learn and understand who I am and what I stand for, what I believe my purpose in this world is, and how I must best contribute to this community I live in. Furthermore, grades (low, but acceptable), MCAT (high, thankfully), and all the other things are done and accounted for.

I am not ready: I don't know where I'm applying to. The List is still under construction. My personal statement is still an unfinished draft.

Most of all, I am fucking scared.

It's not cold feet that I have, though. I've wanted this for my entire life. Before I even knew what I was good at, I knew in some capacity that I wanted to be a doctor. Childhood dreams are pretty silly and meaningless until they really do become attainable. If I screw up now, then what?

The List is something that I'd begun toying with in high school -- and it's stupid to think that it was because I knew that Johns Hopkins was a top med school, that Stanford and Harvard were also up there, and that I only wanted to be The Best. Shitty way of thinking, but from the beginning of college, I always had some little fantasy of getting my MD training at some super institution -- and that was before my GPA tanked, before I took my MCAT, and before I really knew a damn thing about being premed.

Building my list, I eventually understood, was pretty much pointless until I had an MCAT score in hand. Even with an absurd MCAT score, I was stung by my GPA and built a school list that, eventually, my friends said undercut me.

And so after spring break, some clinic friends (four of whom will be attending top 10 MD programs this fall) gave me their input: I needed to aim high. They cited that LizzyM number, which I didn't buy. I've gotten very good at beating myself down about being bad at school, bad at organic chemistry, iffy at E&M, and so their advice to put top schools on my list that I'd long before shot down as being unrealistic came as a shock.

And even now, I don’t know what to do. More or less, my selection methodology before was to take out all schools for which I was UNDER the 10th percentile GPA for (an embarrassing amount) and schools for which I was OVER the 90th percentile MCAT for. This means I can go to almost zero med schools, so I scrapped that idea. LizzyM occurred to me, but I have off-kilter numbers -- bra size analogy withheld.

But, vaguely, I have come up with a different sort of selection criteria, and have adopted a very labor-intensive method for cutting my list down.

Questions for consideration:

1. Do I fulfill all the admissions requirements?
2. Location? (How safe is the campus and surroundings? Where do med students live? Proximity to airport? -- and, of course, I prefer California)
3. What does the tuition look like?
4. Home orthopedic department?
5. Curriculum and interest groups (student-run free clinic is a must)

And things of that ilk. As I stand right now, I have a list of 34 that I want to eventually cut to 25. At least I'm putting more thought into it than I did for college apps.

(I added UC Berkeley last-second to my UC App. My mother practically forced me to, but I am pretty grateful that she did. Go Bears and such.)