My acne journey thus far, intrepid adventures in skincare, and using isolation as time to try out The Ordinary

When I first started medical school, I was hoping that at the end of it I would have a few answers to my questions:

1. Why was it that for several years in high school, I would become nauseated and have belly pains so bad I dreaded to go to class - every weekday, like clockwork, from 7 AM to 9 AM?

2. Why did I have acne, and what can I do to get rid of it?

The answer to the first question is probably that depression and anxiety can manifest as physical symptoms, particularly in young people. As for the second, I don't really know, but my skin has slowly, slowly improved.

Over the years, only three things have actually made a discernible difference in my skin: hormonal birth control, topical retinoids, and salicylic acid. I thought that coming off birth control would cause a rebound in my acne and asked my PCP to prescribe me spironolactone (I got an IUD, which does not provide the systemic androgen suppression that my combined estrogen and progesterone birth control did). Being the intrepid medical student that I was, I decided to see what my skin would do without hormonal birth control and without spironolactone, and to my surprise...it looked fine.

I've used a topical retinoid (Differin, available OTC) since college, and it's really the only thing that reliably keeps closed comedones away. Because of the prophylactic anti-aging benefits, I see no reason to stop using a topical retinoid, and my next adventure will be to see if I can get tretinoin prescribed for a lower cost than Differin (this could be a gamble, and I'm not sure if this will pan out.

All of this is to say my acne is actually, for the first time in my post-pubescent life, mostly gone. This great source of teen and young adult angst and self-confidence issues is...gone. By my standards, at least, since I know some people in my life with truly flawless skin. For some people, my skin with all its post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation, is the worst it could ever look for them. For me, it's the best it's looked in over a decade.

So why am I trying new skincare? Simply put, my goals are changing. I've locked into a routine that reliably keeps my acne at bay, but now I have PIH to tackle, and skin tone to even out. I want to prevent aging - and I would like to add I am a religious SPF user for years.

Before isolation, I bought a few items from The Ordinary, and also received some from a friend who was going to start Curology. With this unexpected windfall, I saw the opportunity to try a bunch of products, fuck up my skin, go back on my progress, and experiment. When the pandemic hit and it became clear I was going to spend my days at home, I decided to try these out.

So this is what I ended up doing:

AM: Niacinamide + Zinc, moisturizer, SPF
PM: cycling between Differin, Vitamin C, and Mandelic Acid; moisturizer

Preliminary thoughts are that I'm tolerating Niacinamide + Zinc after an initial breakout that resolved. The Argireline actually works, but now that the lines I was concerned about are gone, I stopped using it and am saving it for later. Jury is still out on the Vitamin C and the AHA, but again, because I started all of these around the same time, it's hard to say what did what, other than my skin does actually seem better. That's what before and after pics are for, after all.

Once I'm done with the Mandelic Acid, I'll start using my Lactic Acid in its place. I'll try out that AHA+BHA mask eventually. I'll do it slowly, and try to be meticulous about tracking how my skin reacts. It seems pretty contrary that I'm going from a relatively simple skincare routine to one that is more complex, with new products, but I'm doing so to address the reality that my skin has changed. The old problems have resolved, and now I can address the other things.

A review of the clothes I bought in 2019

The first half of this year was taken up by clinical rotations largely spent in a small capsule wardrobe of all the wards-appropriate clothes I own. June to November were spent in scrubs: one month of anesthesiology elective and four of orthopedic surgery rotations. Other than that, I've been schlepping around my apartment in loungewear and wearing the same three outfits to friends gatherings and dates just for fun. So, not much new added to the wardrobe this calendar year, but some key items like my black leather boots.

January to June

1. Frye black leather ankle boots - $112 - after years and years of thinking about buying black leather ankle boots, I finally did, and it was worth it. Is there more to say?
2. Red crop top - gift from roommate - birthday present from my roommate, who also wears crop tops in our mid-20s. It's pretty loud and bright for my skin tone, but I've found occasions to wear it out.
3. Black and white striped dress - secondhand, from roommate - cute little dress that I wore to many a summertime date. It was too short for my tall roommate, so she passed it along to me, and it fits me just right.

July to December

1. Leather saddle bag - vintage - $25 - I bought this purely on impulse when I was wandering around downtown Charlottesville. There is an abundance of cute vintage stores and could imagine myself living a cute life in that cute town. I even tried on a few dresses from the 1940s just for fun, chatted with the people working there, and definitely felt like I needed to buy something. So I did, and it barely fits my phone, wallet, keys, and small miscellany. But I got a lot of use out of this little bag and I'm glad I did buy it, even on impulse.
2. Asics running shoes - $60 - my old ones were wearing out badly, and I found a colorway I liked on discount on Amazon.
3. Muji green merino wool turtleneck sweater - $55 - actually, this was an impulse purchase, on sale. I've wanted a green turtleneck knit for a long time, and tried on all the ones offered by Uniqlo and Muji one day (they are very close to each other in Boston) and bought my favorite. I actually do feel guilty about this one because it was not well-planned.
4. ExOfficio underwear, 3 pairs - $28 - Black Friday deal. Am phasing out my shabby underwear and wanted to get some that were high quality, lightweight, and designed for handwashing and drying quickly.

Total 9 items

Total $280

My post-mortem of my 2019 purchases is that despite the relatively small number of items, some were poor decisions. The green sweater was an impulse purchase that stemmed directly from me wanting to dress my fantasy self, a more put-together, poised person than I actually am. The color drew me in! I tried on four different sweaters in that color at MUJI, but really, I don't think I needed it. The green blouse doesn't suit me at all, and now that I'll be mostly in scrubs, I don't need to have more blouses at all. I feel like I'm aging out of some of my clothes, and that I do need to reassess my wardrobe, but the unhealthy thought patterns and impulses are still there. I'll need to work on that.

I'm actually staying at my home program for residency, and staying in my apartment. I was kind of expecting to have to leave, and undergo a massive decluttering and cleanout of my belongings. Despite my staying put, that's a worthy endeavor and I'll use this quarantine time to do that.

By the way: I'm patting myself on the back for the underwear purchase since I now know I have another year of handwashing ahead of me!

A one-bag minimalist sprint for interview season

First of all, the itinerary:

• 1/9 AM - travel to NYC from by bus
• 1/9 PM - interview social for Hospital #1
• 1/10 PM - interview at Hospital #1
• 1/10 PM - travel to Boston by bus, sleep at home
• 1/11 AM - interview at Hospital #2
• 1/11 PM - interview social for Hospital #2, sleep at home
• 1/12 AM - travel to California by plane
• 1/12 PM - interview social for Hospital #3
• 1/13 AM - interview at Hospital #3
• 1/13 PM - travel to parents' house by car, sleep at home
• 1/14-15 - sleep at home
• 1/16 PM - travel to LA by plane
• 1/17 - Hospital #4 interview and interview social
• 1/18 AM - travel to NYC by plane
• 1/18 PM - interview social at Hospital #5
• 1/19 PM - interview at Hospital #5
• 1/20 AM - travel to ABQ by plane
• 1/21 PM - interview social for Hospital #6
• 1/22 AM - interview at Hospital #6
• 1/23 - sleep all day in ABQ
• 1/24 AM - travel to PHX by plane
• 1/24 PM - interview social for Hospital #7
• 1/25 AM - interview at Hospital #7
• 1/25 PM - red eye flight back to Boston

And now, what I packed:

• Suit
• Blouse
• Grey dress
• Black wool shirt
• Grey Uniqlo heat-tech shirt
• Grey t-shirt
• Black gym shorts
• Black tights
• Nude tights
• Heels
• Black ankle boots
• Navy blue Uniqlo ultra-light puffy jacket
• Watch
• Black Fossil handbag

...and necessaries like underwear, computer, Kindle, chargers, toiletries, chocolate. Surprisingly everything fit comfortably and the bag was always accepted for United Basic Economy, whose luggage restrictions are one single item that can fit under the seat in front. I am very proud of being able to make the trip with such lean, lightweight luggage. In fact, I think such a trip would have been bearable only with such little burden.

Why did I do this to begin with? Mostly to save money and save the hassle of keeping track of all my stuff, at the cost of having a perpetually wrinkled suit. Some of it was a challenge in seeing if I could do it, kind of prideful, I admit. The bottom line: I did it, and it was convenient. And now it's done. This two weeks of travel coincided with a nasty upper (eventually lower) respiratory infection for the same duration, complicated by sore throat and very diminished voice in the beginning.

And now it's done, and I get to rest and agonize over my future.

I wrote this post in February and it stewed in my drafts for all this time. I matched into orthopedic surgery! I'm going to be an orthopedic surgeon! I'll find out where on Friday, but for now, I'm just happy happy happy that I've fulfilled a dream of almost eight years. More coming soon!

Makeup inventory

Every year or so, I am overcome with the need to gather up all my makeup, arrange it just so, take a picture, and write a blog post about it. Maybe a bit more frequently, I write out all that I own from memory, to see if I can do it. If I can't, it's a reminder that I have too much. I think maybe the stars aligned and I've been thinking more about makeup and beauty and expectations for female beauty and groomed-ness and put-togetherness that I write this post today.

First, the inventory itself, and then the rambling:

• Maybelline Fit Me matte and poreless liquid foundation - 220 Natural Beige (2018)
• Sephora powder foundation - Golden Fawn (2016)
• Wet 'n' Wild blush x2 - Pearlescent Pink and Mellow Wine (2010)
• Estee Lauder kohl pencil - black (2010)
• Wet 'n' Wild eyeliner pencil - brown (2010)
• Wet 'n' Wild eyeshadow palette - Comfort Zone (2014)
• Urban Decay eyeshadow palette - Naked2 (2013)
• Burt's Bees matte lip crayon - Redwood Forest (2019)
• Revlon lip butter - Pink Truffle (2016)
• Bite amuse bouche lipstick - Chai (2015?)
• MUFE lipstick - N9 (2014?)
• Maybelline mascara - Snapscara (2019)

Note: I picked my favorite pans from the two eyeshadow palettes and put them in this little metal business card holder. It works for me. The matte black from the Naked2 palette fills in my brows.

This is probably the smallest my makeup collection has been since high school, and it's through a concerted effort of not buying new things, being honest with myself and tossing products that are old/not suited to me/etc. I think a longer post about my relationship with makeup and beauty and self-image are due at another time, and this is something of an easy appetizer to write. Over the years, I have progressively owned less makeup, consumed less beauty content, and worn makeup more often (but less of it). Though I always wore what I consider "minimal" makeup - as in, foundation only for special occasions and residency application photoshoot - these days, it's black eyeshadow brushed through brows with a very light hand, and a single coat of mascara. A little lipstick blotted on if there's time. Eyeshadow and blush for social outings. Priorities are to have a low maintenance routine that wears well - and wears off well - over the day, a slow, pretty fade instead of a ruined mess. Can't stand that, and I find foundation and liquid eyeliner suffer from that.

There is room to whittle down. High coverage foundation, be it liquid or powder, has almost no role in my life. Personally, any kind of base makeup makes me slip into uncanny valley, or at least distance my done up face from the one I am familiar with. There's redundancy in brow products. I've never gotten the hang of eyeliner pencil so that will probably go at some point. And most of the lipsticks look the same. I have no desire to try or buy new makeup, and will just replace what I own organically, as they run out or no longer serve a purpose.

With that, a vision of the future:

• sheer liquid foundation
• sheer face powder
• blush, 2 of them
• brow product, just 1
• mascara - I'm happy with the one I use now, and I'll be better about replacing as it expires
• small eyeshadow palette, likely constructed from single pans - the amount I have now is fine
• lipstick - 1 sheer red, 1 my lips but better (MLBB), 1 more for variety

High quality, reliable products. With that list above, and the inventory I have now, I have all my bases covered, and happy with what I won't own. Hopefully minimal and timeless, as empty as those descriptors are. But that's what I want, and I think that's what I have here.

Lessons in minimalism: month in Rhode Island, out of a suitcase

My room, my suitcase, my sleeping bag. Missing in this photo is the other identical chest of drawers and the other identical broken landline

I spent the second month of my Internal Medicine rotation at a community hospital in Providence, Rhode Island, about an hour away from Boston by train. I took this as an opportunity for a minimalism challenge, and as a trial run for the three months I'll spend this year on away rotations for orthopedic surgery. Here was my attempt at packing light, with the safety net of easy trips back to Boston for things I forgot to bring in the first place, and things I didn't need to bring and took back to my apartment. Despite learning very little in this hospital (in fact, the medicine practiced there is comically bad), I did learn a bit about minimalism (in this very specific context). Namely, I can get by with not a lot, I have room to trim away, and I can sleep in a sleeping bag very comfortably for a month. Read on...

Clothes for a month

In brief, here is what I brought:

5 blouses for wards, 1 of which I never wore
3 t-shirts for exercise and for lounging
1 flannel

3 pairs of trousers for wards
2 pairs of shorts for exercise and lounging
1 dress for the wards, which I never wore
1 pair of jeans

Black boots, boat shoes, and running shoes

Not pictured are my raincoat, undergarments, socks, etc. Essentially, I got by fine this month with this limited wardrobe, but we had laundry in the house provided. Looking back, I could have done with less for the wards, and probably more for exercise since I found myself hand washing after every run. For my orthopedic surgery away rotations, I can shrink this down to one outfit for clinic, a suit, a set of scrubs just in case there is a delay in getting hospital-provided ones, and obviously at least another set of workout clothes, as this is, after all, orthopedic surgery.

As lean as I thought I was packing, there were some leftover items - my green silk blouse and grey dress - that I thought were just too formal for the wards. That's something I've found for myself, that the order of formality of dress code that I've seen is: surgical clinic (business formal) > medical clinic (business casual) > medical wards (business casual) > surgical wards/OR (scrubs). At least that's how I perceive it.

Left: the shoes | Right: perhaps the first and last time I show a stethoscope on this blog

As for shoes, I think darker soled boat shoes would work in almost any medical situation in New England (I say that with some humor, but actually I've gotten away with even these beaters). The black boots will come back in the winter, and my black pumps will come with me for away rotations. The stethoscope will become trauma shears and I'll bring a smaller bath towel next time.

While I was unsurprised that I could tolerate and enjoy sleeping on a bare mattress in my sleeping bag for a month, I was surprised that I so quickly reverted to convenience foods, fats and refined sugars, disposables and take out so easily. I gained weight and was eco-unfriendly, ate more meat than I'm proud to say, and indulged myself a bit too much. This is obviously not ideal since I normally cook all my meals and prepare them mostly with my health in mind, and I do have months of chaotic schedules and new living situations before I need to wear my interview suit. A suit that I wore at age 20-21 interviewing for medical school.

Despite having my metal tumbler, which I did use for all coffee, tea, and water, I treated myself to many disposable plastic bottles of juice provided in the emergency department (??? not going to question it). These kinds of things are my weakness so though I'll Refuse as much as possible, it's more likely Reduce and Reuse that will justify this behavior

So, less a collection of lessons than incoherent rambling, as per usual. I think I may try to pack everything into a backpack and a piece of checked baggage for my aways, and prioritize maintaining diet and exercise for the next few months and the rest of my life. Minimalism is a proxy for the lifestyle habits and changes that are in line with my values, etc, etc. 

A review of my 2018 clothing purchases

Better late than never!

2018 was the transition from second to third year of medical school and all the responsibilities and growth and worry and challenges and accomplishments that go along with that. I did not, in fact, carefully develop and curate a professional wardrobe for the wards, but instead kind of just trundled along faking it with clothes that I already owned. I think I'm okay with that.

There are a lot of other things that happened in 2018, but as always, here is a roundup of the clothes that I bought. This is a practice to keep myself accountable, but also help forecast what I will need and want to buy in 2019. I think there has been a shift away from listing and counting in minimalism, but that kind of thing is in my nature.

January to June

1. Calypso St. Barth green silk embroidered dress - secondhand, Poshmark - $46 - this was a dress I had saved to a Pinterest board sometime early in college, and I found it on Poshmark and bought it with two friends' weddings in mind
2. Grey wool trousers - secondhand, gifted - $0 - my sibling bought these trousers from some thrift store and gave them to me. I didn't think I would wear them as much as I do.
3. Uniqlo blue striped linen shorts - $20 - nailed it with these shorts, wore them all summer
4. Eileen Fisher black silk t-shirt - secondhand, Poshmark - $30 - not a lot to say about this, other than I wear it weekly and hand wash it

July to December

1. Uniqlo black ponte dress - $30 - bought after our cat died, a bit too short for some clinical situations, but I do wear it to didactics
2. Uniqlo blue down puffy - $70 - as mentioned in this post

Total - 6 items, $196

Reflecting on this: it's not a lot, and I do see many flaws in my wardrobe pertaining to not enough. I am wearing through my hardworking black ballerina flats. A lot of my undergarments and socks are either falling apart or have undergone repairs - by the way, I'm pretty happy about increasing my skills in mending clothes! But I still anticipate replacing many things soon. While I don't think I look shabby, I do think I have room to improve my professional appearance. Ultimately, I'll be in a specialty that is in scrubs the vast majority of the time, so maybe I'm holding out on buying professional clothes to really nail in the quality over quantity point.

My last point of reflection is really about minimalism, and also about materialism. I think I understood this year that I actually am pretty materialistic in the sense that I have very strong, emotional attachments to my belongings, which makes decluttering hard. On the flip side, I really do subscribe to minimalism and hate excess in my life, so I restrict myself in owning things because I don't like to part with them. Somewhere, there is a balance between (1) being detached from earthly possessions and not letting them possess you, and (2) being attached to your stuff and in turn treating them with respect and care. Some intersection of the two is the basis of rejecting our modern disposable culture, and the basis for a ton of William Morris quotes/wardrobe curation/simple living and slow fashion/ethical consumption. Something something no ethical consumption under capitalism, but also, I don't know how I feel about influencers in this sphere. Greenwashing, too.

Anyways, that's it. Happy (belated) New Year to all!

Four years later, I finally bought a pair of black ankle boots! More on them later.

On my third winter in Boston, I finally bought a puffy

I'm giving away my vintage leather jacket, and I bought a down puffy from Uniqlo for triple its price. This was a good decision. Watch me justify it.

I bought and loved this vintage leather jacket when I was 17, in 2012. It saw me through the coldest, windiest day in Berkeley. It even saw me through a torrential downpour in Berkeley when I was walking home, and saw two raccoons slide into a storm drain -- it stopped me dead in my tracks, and I forgot to worry about the effect of rainwater on old leather (no effect). But in truth, I almost never wore it because it was almost never cold enough to tolerate it in Berkeley.

I wore it a lot more in Boston, where there are a lot more cold (30-50F) and non-rainy days where a heavy leather jacket is appropriate. But the more I wore it, the more its flaws bothered me. Windproof, but way too heavy. A distinctive look, but it added so much bulk to my frame. It's an attention-grabbing piece in person, and I'm not one who wants all the same wow cool jacket every time I wear it. It also smells bad when rained on.

I had a gap in my wardrobe to the effect of "too warm for the parka, but too wet for the peacoat or the leather jacket." For a long time now, I've wanted a down puffy, a staple of Boston because of its practicality. Added bonus of being important when camping. Something lightweight, reliably warm, and easy to layer under or over.

Recently, my disdain for the leather jacket and disenchantment of the wild, wild west Americana look it brought reached its peak, and it got cold enough to wish I had a down jacket. So I did it. I decided to lose the $20 and not bother reselling the leather jacket, and shell out $70 for a hooded down jacket at Uniqlo.

Which seems at odds with the minimalism-sustainability-slow fashion ethos I admire: I'm ditching a secondhand, high quality piece for a more expensive fast fashion one. But it's a decision two winters and cold springs in the making, and one that makes sense given my shift in tastes and priorities. I can take the puffy camping. It weighs almost nothing. It's subdued and functional, and just as warm. It has a hood and a high collar.

That's the way it is. As goes my favorite William Morris quote: "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." I have replaced something that has never been useful and was formerly beautiful, with something that is extremely useful and kind of beautiful.

Thank u, next

And to further my point, this is a picture of me from college with that leather jacket. Possibly Halloween 2012?

Ten item summer clinic capsule wardrobe - Family Medicine, Radiology

Clothes, hand washed, drying

This is more of a capsule wardrobe by circumstance, not deliberate curation. A bit about the status of my personal style and wardrobe now: I was building my professional wardrobe slowly over the past two years, and have settled on an equilibrium that I am happy with. I also moved to an apartment with much more limited storage, and am content being confined by space and eye-stress from clutter, if that makes sense. We also don't have a laundry in the building, so I am hand washing for the most part, and dragging my stuff to the laundromat less frequently.

I had my Family Medicine rotation - primary care, outpatient, plus a train commute - for six weeks, and it's over. The weather is slowly changing, but still swelteringly hot into the 90sF some days. I'm on Radiology nowadays and though nobody is really going to pay attention to what I'm wearing in a dark radiology reading room, we are in the hospital and I do feel obligated to dress better than I did in FM (+ no commute).

Here are my pieces:

Tops

1. Dark red sleeveless blouse - $20 - bought this for my medical school interviews and wore it to each one, looked very smart and professional under the suit that I babied it a lot. Now it's shown its nature as a cheaply made, fast fashion item and as nice as the color looks against my skin, I will definitely be spending more on my residency interview blouse
2. Purple flutter sleeve blouse - $15 - bought in 2010 for my high school job. It's very airy and breezy in hot weather, but that hardly matters if I have to wear a white coat. Unfortunately, it's showing its age and the fabric looks pretty worn (100% polyester), but I like the cut and the way it looks on me. I would not choose this color for myself again, though
3. Navy linen sleeveless shirt - $20 - this is a Uniqlo shirt that I wear usually for casual occasions, but it works in a pinch for the hottest of summer days. Very wrinkled, as expected of linen. I don't really want to buy more Uniqlo, but I am considering getting one of their rayon blouses
4. Black silk t-shirt - $25 - secondhand Eileen Fisher from Poshmark. Really good-looking shirt and fabric. With some of the above blouses nearing the end of their useful lifetime, I am definitely looking at buying secondhand, higher quality silk blouses for clinic purposes
5. Dark red mock neck shirt - $6 - from Uniqlo. This cheap little shirt is just barely appropriate for a casual primary care clinic, but I would not dare to wear this in the main hospital campus, even in the cover of darkness (again, Radiology). However, I did rely on it quite a few times in FM when it wasn't disgustingly hot
6. Blue and white psychadelic dress - $14 - this one again. It's 100% polyester too, but the movement makes it comfortable for the summer. I don't wear it too often

Bottoms

1. Black polyester A-line skirt - ??? - bought in 2010. Hardworking little skirt. I love it a lot, very versatile. I took in the waist and shortened (!!!) it to make it more professional, less witchy. It moves very well, and despite the 100% polyester, the cut is very breezy and comfortable in the hot, hot summer. I wear this about three times a week and hand wash on the weekends
2. Navy trousers - $9 - from H&M in 2011, a bit too casual for the hospital, but when there were FM attendings literally wearing leggings in clinic, I didn't care. I feel like this is okay for Radiology, but I have more professional trousers waiting for cooler weather

Shoes

1. Black flats - ??? - Lucky Brand flats dug up from my closet in high school. Don't remember ever buying them, and I never was a flats wearer until this year. I didn't want to tear up my pumps wearing them every day, and they were too formal for FM clinic anyways. These little flats are clear staples in my wardrobe now.
2. Sperry boat shoes - $95 - I don't remember exactly how much I got these for, but they are my default casual shoe and work when I'm wearing the trousers. Not sure I can pull these off once cooler weather hits, with darker trousers. Wouldn't dare wear them on Surgery, though

Looking back at this, ten items is a bit...Spartan. But I do promise you I'm handwashing very diligently. I'm not always comfortable with the "minimalism" game, but I feel pretty good about this. I am still actively pre-buying, that is, browsing Poshmark and keeping track of items I would want to buy. The plan is to replace the purple blouse with one of a similar cut, and buy another one. Professional shoes, too, for the cooler weather. 

The next post may be a roundup of outfits, and the one after that will be wardrobe planning for the autumn and winter. These are the kind of posts suitable for microblogging about minimalism in 2018.

S/S 2018 | Wardrobe Planning

I'm back from Step 1 hell, and from my Grand Canyon hiking trip. More on that later, but it was the most fun, challenging, and fulfilling great outdoors adventure I've had. I'm glad I shared the experience with my dad, and I hope to do a lot more hiking/camping/backpacking in the future.

It's kind of late for me to do a wardrobe planning post for this spring and summer, but the context is that I'm starting clinical rotations in a week and need enough clinic-appropriate clothes to dress up in. Currently, I own two 'nice' blouses, two potentially clinic-appropriate shirts, one dress, four pairs of trousers, and a skirt. For shoes, it's a pair of pumps a pair of flats. Looking at this, the only things I really 'need' to get are blouses -- everything else I have enough of, at least to get me started. I'll think about adding to my shoe collection when autumn comes around, or if suddenly during my first rotation (OB/Gyn) I realize I need clogs or something. I'll survive OB/Gyn OR with sneakers and maybe my very waterproof snow boots for the time being (only sort of joking).

Anyhow, here are my ideas for adding to my spring/summer wardrobe:

1. Short sleeved Eileen Fisher blouse, silk -- I've actually bought one of these secondhand from Poshmark, and may be gambling a bit on the sizing. I would prefer a looser fit, but the measurements may suggest otherwise. I wanted high quality pieces for a lower price and environmental impact, so secondhand I go
2. Eileen Fisher tank, silk -- there's another one of these on Poshmark that I want to buy. Both would be black, but it's hard for me to find colors that I want to wear (that are not navy, as I've temporarily banned myself from buying navy anything)
3. Muji dress, linen -- last year I sort of fell in love with a linen dress with 3/4 sleeves from Muji, took a great picture of myself in it, and never bought it. I don't know if I'll buy this year's version, but this marketing image with Honey and Silk was so captivating, and exactly evocative of how I want to be when I wear a linen dress (thanks, advertising)
4. Uniqlo shorts, linen -- well, I already bought these and they are great

Lastly, I'm actively trying to suppress my memory of Step 1. It was awful, I felt awful during and after the exam, and I don't think I did well. My dream specialty may be out of reach -- I'm almost certain of it. So I'll strike any mention of Step 1 from here. Grand Canyon post coming shortly, hopefully.

As a final aside, Eileen Fisher is a brand I have only heard of/had any desire to buy from thanks to the blog world. So many people I read wear Eileen Fisher. But, I love linen, and I love silk (of which I own...one garment so far). The consumerist web has nabbed me on this one!

Raw denim - a 13 month update, and some thoughts on jeans

A few years ago in college, one of my friends fell down the rabbit hole of r/malefashionadvice and took it upon himself to start dressing well. There was a period of time when he texted me and two others in our group every single time he bought something -- raw denim, cordovan boots, leather belt, weird thrifted sweatshirt with a painting of a dog screenprinted on it...

My jeans

...one thing we gave him particular shit about was his obsession with raw denim. Selvedge. Vocabulary words that I still don't completely understand or care to understand at this point. He babied his jeans, cared about each crease and fade, wore them every single day, soaked them in the bathtub. I didn't get it. I still don't really get it.

My tumble down the rabbit hole of raw denim was gradual over the years, and it was only 13 months ago that I bought a pair -- a less expensive pair, from Uniqlo. My two older Uniqlo jeans were stretchy and getting uncomfortably skinny, and I wanted the option of layering tights or leggings underneath them if it got that cold. So I got a new pair of jeans -- men's raw denim -- in size 29. That's another thing: I needed to accept that my body has changed since I was 19. I wanted a looser fit and that's what I bought.

I retired the two old pairs (of three - the other I wear in spring and autumn) and wore my new selvedge jeans damn near every day for the rest of the winter. And then I did it again this winter. They were stiff the first winter, rubbed indigo everywhere (I paid more attention to where I sat and leaned), and I actually think I should have sized down. I had too much fabric around my waist, and it sat weird under a belt. I really thought about getting them tailored.

Not really qualified to say what combo of soaking, washing, etc is the best. But I'm not dead set on having Reddit-worthy fades, so I wash my jeans regularly now. Then I made the stupid, stupid mistake of putting them through the dryer. This shrank them down to be more of a slim instead of a relaxed fit, but it fixed the waist issue. Now they fit like women's size 26 or 27. I'm glad I sized up when I did.

I liked not having to decide what kind of pants to wear every day. Unexpectedly, I got compliments on my style, that it was cohesive for so consistently featuring "dark blue or black" jeans. I don't own black jeans, but my winter ones are dark blue indeed.

So, that's where I am. I kind of wish I had taken more pictures with them over the past year. But, in the end, they're just jeans.

--

My own story of jeans began with something from Marshall's or Ross in middle school, then three <$10 pairs from Forever 21, then two pairs from Uniqlo in college, a thrifted pair, to present day. My preferred fit is mid-to-high rise, slim or straight leg, true or dark blue. I have to be able to squat and deadlift with full range of motion in them. Must look good cuffed or uncuffed. Nondescript. Absolutely no obvious branding. And for now, the search is over. I had a pretty bad relationship with jeans and body image as a youth, and I'm better at keeping it at bay. I think I'm in a good place now.

A review of my 2017 clothing purchases

Left: my jeans | Right: a crazy Monstera deliciosa trying its best to survive in the hospital

As always, to keep myself accountable. I don't like doing too many clothing or consumption related posts in a row, but my updates in general have been pretty sparse.

Call it what you will, I'm trying to have a more intentional and critical approach to my wardrobe. Shopping as an activity to do out and about is loathsome to me, but that doesn't capture how much time I burn thinking about clothes, researching them, looking at them on the internet, or even going into a store and trying things on without buying anything. With that in mind, I'm listing my purchases and acquisitions in chronological order, +/- $5.

January to March

1. Uniqlo men's selvedge denim jeans - $50 - my winter jeans. I will write a long post about just these jeans sometime soon
2. Uniqlo dress - $20 - a really good purchase. I love this dress and wear it as often as I can. It looks professional and suits my body shape

April to June

1. School group tank tops (2) - $28 - unfortunately, I didn't have a choice in buying these or not. One was to wear to Boston Pride, the other was because I was a hiking group leader for the first year orientation hike. I bought the first one by choice, second one because I felt like I had to. I need to be more vigilant, but these serve me fine at the gym
2. Uniqlo linen sleeveless shirt - $20 - so important in the muggy humidity of an East Coast summer
3. Uniqlo mock turtleneck shirt - $5.90 - my replacement for the Red Polo of my youth. I like the cut of this shirt a lot, but noticed that the color has faded. Additionally, I find that Uniqlo tops are sometimes just too short for me
4. Scrubs (3 pairs) - free - a very, very kind chief resident in orthopedic surgery gave me three pairs of scrubs (exchanged for new from the hospital scrub machine) when I told her my scrubs were from Goodwill, and that students don't get scrub cards. She was such a darling, and absolutely radiated warmth and authority both. She taught me a lot and I am so grateful to have found a female role model, if only for the summer.

July to September

1. Mizuno running shoes - $60 - my old pair had a hole, which I discovered after my sock got soaked with blood in the OR
2. Maggy London black silk dress - secondhand - $45 - 100% an impulse purchase off of Poshmark. It's a gorgeous dress that I would wear to any evening occasion, though it's a bit too big. My first foray into the online secondhand market

October to December

1. Volunteering event t-shirt - free - I didn't have a choice here
2. L.L. Bean flannel - $30 - not as stoked about the black Stewart colorway, and I also think this one fits boxier than the same flannel I got last year. This was purchased on steep discount
3. Old Navy pixie pants - $18 - for my growing professional wardrobe. Bought on Black Friday
4. Old Navy underwear (4) - $20 - also bought on Black Friday. Not a huge fan of them, and I wouldn't have bought them had I known my mother would force me to get red underwear for my zodiac year (my other Chinese-American friends warned me, I didn't listen)
5. Uniqlo heat tech thermal - free - Uniqlo had a code for a free thermal and I absolutely got it on impulse because it is so fucking cold in Boston - at the time of writing, it is 10*F
6. Calvin Klein underwear (5) - free - a 23rd birthday gift from my mother, per Chinese tradition. It's the year of the Dog next year so naturally I must have plenty of red underwear to ward off bad luck

Total amount spent on clothing in 2017 - $296.90

Total number of items purchased in 2017 - 27

Excluding the scrubs and underwear, that number comes to 12 items purchased in 2017, which I am quite happy with. I'm still in the process of building a professional wardrobe in time for third year rotations, and I'm still in the process of building a casual wardrobe fit for a young woman. Where I see a "lack" is definitely in the professional clothes category, to which I hope to add at least two more blouses and another pair of trousers, as well as a pair of black ankle boots that I still haven't bought.

Overall, I don't know if I'm any closer to developing a coherent personal style or not. Lots of Uniqlo here, but I think I've realized I'm not so suited to Uniqlo anymore.

Late autumn updates

Do I even live in New England if I don't post pictures of the foliage? Autumn came and is on its way out. We got a tiny moment of snow last night. It is starting to get cold. We're making another turn around the sun.

Clothing, cosmetics, personal finance, and minimalism

Clothing

I bought another flannel from L.L. Bean, and plan on revisiting my review of it from last year, now that I have a brand new one to compare to a year-old one. I have plans to buy another pair of professional-looking trousers, but am waiting for sales. I also have some socks and underwear to replace. This means Black Friday/Cyber Monday shopping, which I have deliberately avoided for years. I am possibly also deferring my black leather shoe (or boot) purchase for another year. I just haven't found one that I really like.

How do I build my professional wardrobe while keeping consumerism in check? As much as I try to limit myself in how much money I spend or how many items I buy, it's also important to limit how much time I spend thinking about or planning what I'm going to buy. On the other hand, isn't having a plan better than not having one? Either way, I am not satisfied with the amount of mental space I routinely use thinking about purchasing stuff. There's got to be some kind of a balance (obviously I haven't found it yet).

I also finally (finally) washed my jeans that I bought in January. It sounds disgusting, but I wore them only in <50F weather, freeze them on the weekends, and they held up well. Raw denim cult, my friends. I'll write something about them soon.

So here's something a little disappointing: my friend group talks about shopping a lot. They really love Uniqlo, and as someone who owns a lot of Uniqlo clothing, this normally doesn't bother me. And it really is a minor annoyance, but they incessantly talk about sales at Uniqlo, make multiple orders a month on Uniqlo, and joke about lacking self-control from buying at Uniqlo. I only noticed this recently because they went crazy over a specific scarf that one of them had. Two others bought the scarf immediately. Something about that makes me uncomfortable, despite how many Uniqlo garments I personally own.

Cosmetics

I'm getting back into makeup again. My goal is to have a bare bones makeup kit of items that I love and use regularly. Currently, I have holes in some parts of my kit (skincare, base), and excess in others (eyeshadow). It makes me feel more professional and put together. I will be patient in editing what I have, adding and subtracting, until it is perfect. It is 100% consistent with my personality that I am hyper-focused on what I look like. What I mean: I love my face without makeup, but if I do wear makeup, I am extremely critical about how it looks when I put it on, and how it wears throughout the day. I must still look like myself. I use very little makeup, but what I use must matter.

Personal finance and minimalism

I fell down the rabbit hole of personal finance and financial independence blogs, especially those written by residents and attending physicians. This is something I must learn.

Regarding minimalism: I'm trying. More now than ever, I realize I need to get my perspective in check before I go about trying to 'minimize' any other part of my life. I recently went to talk to one of the deans about how hassled I was by people gossiping about me (mostly my research) and he repeatedly asked me why I cared. Why did it bother me so much? I don't think I had an answer. He told me to read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (because I told him my sibling told me to read it years ago), talk to my friends and family, and keep doing what I'm doing. If there are people gossiping about my work, then I must be doing something right.

In other fronts, I'm working on reducing waste in my life. Still trying to go low waste, it's hard. But this is important to me so I'll work harder at it.

Step 1

This is the first part of the United States Medical Licensing Exam (USMLE) that will determine whether or not orthopedic surgery is magical thinking or a real option for my future. So I am studying. I am doing better in school than last year, studying better, but there is still so much room for me to improve.

I've been thinking of potential vacations to go on after I take the exam in May. The dream vacation is to do a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon, but that is a far reach of a vacation. More realistically is Katahdin in Maine.

Research and scholarly pursuits

We're finally writing the manuscript. Our project won a prize at a hospital poster session. I'm glad that something I worked hard on since this time last year is finally coming to fruition. And now, I'm looking for more research projects. I want to continue working with my same mentor, and I feel more and more strongly about orthopedic surgery.

At the same time, I am more and more curious about general surgery as well.

..speaking of my mentor and orthopedic surgery, I shadowed him in clinic this week and it was awesome. It was a lot more fast paced than the surgical oncology clinic I normally go to, but I really like his style. Straightforward, to the point, but super comprehensive about all the options a patient could have, non-operative and operative alike. Orthopedic trauma has truly a crazy spread of patients, from little old ladies to a guy my age shot several times over a basketball game, joggers hit by cars, custodians falling from ladders, etc, etc. Vastly different patients with vastly different injuries, needs, goals, and lives. More than learning about how to care for fracture patients, I have another role model for how to talk to patients, how to listen to patients, and how to identify when they have questions, reservations, or things they don't understand.

Recreational reading

I took Thanksgiving break to read as many books as I could. Sabriel (Garth Nix); The Two Towers, The Children of Hurin, and part of The Return of the King (J.R.R. Tolkien); and The Hot Zone (Richard Preston) are all great. I'm not a book reviewer, but I can recommend all of the above.

Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for

• my family loves me and supports me in every way: emotionally, financially, in small ways, in big ways
• I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do
• I have great friends, old and new
• I am healthy and happy
• I have great mentors that push me to do strong work and let me see and do cool things
• I am finding time for creative pursuits and personal enrichment

A/W 2017 | Wardrobe Planning

Do people still do these posts? Is the 5 piece French wardrobe format still relevant? (I do) (And it is still a reasonable framework for clothing purchases for me)

1. Black leather boots - I've wanted a good pair of black leather boots for a very long time now, and I think this may be the season I finally drop the $ on a pair. These will probably serve as my primary autumn/winter professional shoe, especially once clerkships begin next year. As such, they need to be comfortable enough to wear all day in clinic and on the wards, though I probably will also buy something like Danskos for the OR and wherever scrubs are worn. Why boots, though? I thought about another black leather shoe like loafers, but these shoes must be suitable for snow and ice. Not that I'm expecting to trudge through inclement weather in them, but must be able to handle the elements in some capacity. Hustling the mere 50 yards from the medical school to the hospital in my heels during February was...not enjoyable.
2. Trousers - I have a pair of black trousers, but I expect I'll need more come third year. It may seem odd that I'm planning on buying stuff for clerkships right now, but I figured slowly adding to my professional wardrobe is better than trying to do it all at once. This will probably be bought from Old Navy (the popular Pixie pants...stupid name) or Uniqlo.
3. Black jeans - I recently cut up my pair of black jeans (more on that later, but it was in the name of a DIY project, and it was looking pretty shabby) so I may need to replace it. I'm not sure if I actually will. I'm curious to see how I fare this autumn and winter with the jeans I already have. Given I wore my selvedge denim jeans every day in January and February, I probably won't buy a new pair.
4. Shirting - I really want this flannel shirt, the Black Stewart colorway of my known favorite L.L. Bean scotch plaid. I also am thinking of slowly adding to my professional blouse/shirting wardrobe for next year.
5. Something for hiking - hiking pants? A jacket? In all likelihood, I'll buy more than one pair of trousers and fill up this spot. Not that I really stick strictly to the 5PFW model anyways. Oh yes, and I lost my watch somewhere and will need to replace it. I'm an idiot.

Reflecting back on last year: I am basically all set on winter gear, and would only really consider adding to technical outdoors clothes, and probably not even this year. I actually did buy the little black dress I mentioned last year, which I'll have a post about later.

The two other changes I'm making to my wardrobe are a refurbishing of an old coat (I cut off the sleeves and replaced them with material from my old jeans...it doesn't look as bad as it sounds), and the eventual tailoring of my raws. The waist is ridiculously large and I need to take it in. Since the fabric is so heavy and the jeans are so integral to my cold weather wardrobe, I may need to get this professionally done.

Lastly, I am planning on doing a wardrobe declutter soon. I hate that idea, that even after being choosy about bringing stuff to Boston I have things I don't wear and will get rid of. But that's the truth, and I'm holding myself accountable. I'll follow up at the end of winter with a wardrobe inventory of sorts to continue holding myself accountable. To be honest, the only things that I really "need" to buy are the boots and the trousers.

Summer clothes in Boston

The psychedelic floral dress returns

This time last year, I made a post of the outfits I wore to Germany. With the exception of two new tank tops -- for school organizations that I belong to -- and two shirts from Uniqlo, I have made no changes to my summer wardrobe.

Which is not to say that I will not buy anything on my return to Boston (currently escaping the humidity by going back to SF). I've evaded much of the heat by staying in the hospital freezing under the AC or burning up under lead in the OR.

linen shirt - Uniqlo | linen shorts - GAP | boat shoes - Sperry | watch - Casio

I finally bought this dark blue linen shirt from Uniqlo. I originally thought I would venture for something light-colored, but I am a creature of habit and hate the way light colors look on me. It's perfectly comfortable on even the most hellishly hot (and humid) days in Boston. The loose fit is very airy and helps the fabric not stick to my skin, and generally makes the thought of summer a bit more bearable. I wear an XS here, and generally use shoulder width to determine XXS, XS, or S in shirts.

Linen dresses in Muji

My hunt for the linen dress continues, though I will probably buy the second one (middle and right images) if it goes on sale. Sometimes I have to go places and do things where short shorts are not appropriate, even on unbearably hot days. Despite all the time I spent looking online for a good linen dress, this Muji one may be the most accessible. Granted, it does look like a dark blue potato sack unless I tie something around my waist (drawstring from my shorts shown above), but I was generally very impressed with it in the fitting room.

Hospital scrubs

A very, very kind chief resident gave me three pairs of scrubs in my size when I told her I had gotten mine from Goodwill. I won't be regularly in the hospital (much less the OR) this semester unless I have specific shadowing arrangements, so these scrubs will just have to wait until M3. But I would be remiss to leave this post without acknowledging that I spent most of my summer thus far wearing these. Not particularly flattering, but very comfortable.

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I completely neglected this blog in the past few weeks. This post was kind of a cop-out because the posts that I had planned involved me going through tons and tons of photos (Germany posts from last summer, more gardens, more hiking). I also recently had an inexplicable hankering to write something more about personal style, wardrobe building, and fashion-related. One factor may be a pretty black dress that I basically impulse-bought off Poshmark. It hasn't arrived yet, but I hope it suits me.

--

The other thing that I wanted to examine was this notion of practicing minimalism or living with less or low/zero waste. I don't necessarily categorize myself as a "minimalist," but I have drunk more and more of the Kool-aid, read more and more of the "discourse" around it on Reddit/Instagram/blogs, and feel more equipped to use it as a tool to construct my own ethics about consumption, ownership, and...other stuff. If there's one thing I loathe about minimalism blogs, it's when they get preachy and take the moral super-high ground.

--

And my last thought of the night is that I had a conversation with some of my friends about shopping. None of us "go shopping" as a hobby, but we were having some premature worries about having to build up a professional wardrobe in time for clerkships. I'm still sticking to my guns about wardrobe planning and restricting the number of clothes that I'll buy, but I am planning ahead now.

--

And that's it. My next post will probably be a photographic summary of one year in Boston. One year already! Time really does fly.

Sartorial lessons from surgery

As an introduction to clinical medicine, we first years were individually placed with various school-affiliated physicians around Boston. I feel very, very lucky to have spent my Wednesdays at a surgical clinic at our teaching hospital, with a preceptor and mentor (Dr. M) who I hope to become one day. I could fill an entire blog post on clinical knowledge, surgery knowledge, life knowledge, and how-to-be-a-doctor knowledge I have accumulated, but this post is about the sartorial lessons.

In this clinic, the surgeons wear dark suits, ties, monograms, polished shoes, and no white coats. All other MDs and MDs-to-be wear white coats. What did this mean for me? These three outfits represent the only things I thought appropriate to wear to clinic, where male M3s in pastels and khakis looked exceedingly out of place.

Purple top - Ross | Trousers - Banana Republic (too fitted?) | Shoes - Fitzwell | Maroon blouse - NY&Co | Dress - Uniqlo | Watch - Casio

Lesson #0: I am a first year medical student unaccustomed to dressing professionally and have no idea what I'm doing

Lesson #1: when the attendings wear suits and look like bankers and politicians, go as formal as possible without wearing a suit

For me, this meant charcoal grey and quiet jewel tones. The sleeveless tops were fine because I always wore my white coat (not true for all placements). I generally dislike collared, button-down shirts because fit is so fickle with them. Blouses are more forgiving and read a bit more formal. I think I was in the minority of my female classmates who regularly wore a dress to clinic, but I am much, much more comfortable in a dress than in trousers. This one was long enough where sitting, standing, kneeling, etc were all very comfortable.

Lesson #2: accessories and layers matter. Comfortable shoes and a watch are necessary.

On top of these base outfits, I wore a black cardigan and black tights to stay warm during the winter. Because I had a locker at school, I never had to commute far in these clothes and could easily walk to clinic without snow boots, even in blizzard conditions. Because I err on the side of being too formal, I usually wore a dark grey overcoat instead of a parka.

Corollary to #2: an anecdote

Though I spent most of my time in clinic, I often accompanied Dr. M around the hospital to talk to radiologists or other services. Following around a much taller person while wearing heels can be a chore: the dress + low block heel made it manageable.

Dr. M's advice from one of these occasions: "I noticed that you're always walking a few steps behind me. Don't walk behind attendings, walk next to attendings. When a young female medical student walks behind a male attending, it looks subservient, especially if you're the only one there."

How does one young female medical student follow an attending around without looking subservient? Wear comfortable shoes and take longer strides.

Also Dr. M: "Always wear a watch."

Lesson #3: details matter when trying to look like a competent, clean, and professional adult

I got a lot of this kind of advice from my high school job at an ophthalmology clinic where my primary grooming objective was to not look like a high school student. I think that patients may be less inclined to trust someone who looks quite young and unkempt, and attendings less likely to take one seriously. I combed my hair and made sure my makeup looked okay before clinic, and that I wasn't tracking in salt, snow, slush, or ice. Unlike these pictures, I did try to make sure my white coat look like I had not just dug it out of my backpack.

Lesson #4: dress for the job you want?

These are just thoughts I've had from my placement at a surgical clinic where the surgeons wear suit. But also, I haven't seen what female attending surgeons wear when not in scrubs. Yet another thing: I want a woman surgeon as a mentor.

Any advice on how to dress professionally? Thoughts on how to succeed as a young female in a male-dominated field?

Sperry classic A/O boat shoes | Review

I have always wanted a pair of boat shoes. Why? My family does not own a boat, and even in my college summer days of lazy kayaking on Lake Merritt, I would not think to wear these shoes. I bought these shoes after I knew I would be going to medical school in Massachusetts, so perhaps I was a copycat, WASPy prepster wannabe this entire time.

Anyhow, on with the review.

Since buying these shoes in March 2016, I have worn them almost every non-rainy day between 65 and 80F; 40 - 65F is shared between these shoes and my long-suffering Dr. Martens Chelsea boots. Cost per wear is without a doubt under $1, perhaps even $0.50. I like them a lot, but would like them better if the leather were darker and the sole were not white -- my mistake, but I wear them to death nonetheless. They are effortless to slip on, comfortable, and practical. They are casual without being too sloppy, and are consistent with my standard level of formality.

I am a US women's 6.5 and am happy with the 7, even if I'm wearing thicker socks. They have almost no arch support to speak of, but I have worn them on heavy walking days (and even hiking in Germany) with no issue. That depends on you, though. The insole detached within the first summer. They smell if you wear them for too long without socks on a hot summer day. Or even a warm summer day.

The leather has been scuffed, stepped on, bathed in rainwater, splashed with scalding hot coffee, dipped in lakes and oceans and rivers, covered in dust and sand, and also plaster in the emergency department as I helped the ortho residents reduce two fractured and dislocated joints on the same patient. I normally don't wear these when I shadow in the hospital, but I had forgotten to bring my sneakers. I scrubbed off the plaster before I realized it gave the shoes character.

The soles are specifically designed for good grip on a slippery deck -- they do this job well, but have insufficient tread for muddy stone staircases in German forests, or dry Californian hillsides covered with leaf debris. They have been wearing down quite quickly, but that may just be because I wore them so much. The leather laces seem like they too are wearing down.

Overall, I love these shoes, but obviously don't care for them well and wear them fairly recklessly. They were the next in line from casual beater shoes of my youth -- black Converse, and sometimes blue Converse -- and I wear them with the same irreverence and joy as I did those that came before.

P.S. -- I plan on properly conditioning the leather this summer. They...basically look like hell right now, but hopefully some maintenance will improve that.